This is not a word for word account of what-went-on. There was much improvisation and such. We will add the improv-parts later, as we review the video for the twentieth time.

[John climbs the tree, and Gina takes the elevator, to some music (Dragnet, by Art of Noise). The Minister, Dave Choat, steps up to the stump.]

Minister: Good afternoon, and welcome to yet another installation of the John and Gina Show, "John and Gina Sitting in a Tree". The John and Gina Show is brought to you by the word "Trog" [displays "Trog" sign], the letter "circle with a stick in it" [shows a picture of "Q"], and of course by the number 23 [shows 23]. I, Dave, the Dynamic Dervish of Discord, will act as the quasi-powerful minister for this believe it or not totally legal ceremony. If, during the ceremony you find your throat becoming parched, please go to the refreshment stand. You probably won’t miss much.

We are here to celebrate the marriage of one John Cooper and one Gina Mai Denn. We have each known these people, both alone and together, and some have partaken of them. Most of us can reliably attest to their existence as human beings and not as cabbages or something. Let us now pause for ten seconds to reflect on our gullibility thereby implied.

[Ten second wait; best men look at watches, Jeopardy music plays (this failed: someone tripped on the wire)]

Minister: Now, for a Homily, The Evil Black Knight would speak to us of … Mawidge. That bwessed awwangement, that dweam within dweam. Well, that’s what would have happened, if the Black knight actually made it here, but he had other pressing concerns. So instead, the "not half bad" Graymayle, will present the Homily.

[Graymayle steps up and reads his Homily.]

M: And now, a word from our sponsor, Mr. Bill Mayhew, AKA Trog, who along with his wife Maren has provided us with this nice tree and yard and weather and Universe.

[Trog’s commercial]

M: And now the good knight Sir Barchan will present the Wedding Oath.

[Barchan reads the Oath]

[Somewhere in here there was a discordian play put on by Gina's sister Lori, brother Grant, and Kristin. But we lost its place. We'll edit later 'cause we're tired.]

Minister: That was groovy, baby.

J&G: Shaggadelic!

M: John and Gina, please step forward to the altar now?

G&J: Huh?

Minister: Right... Uh, stay in the tree. We will now begin the exchange of vows. John, do you swear to serve as Gina’s One True Love, to love, honor, and obey, and especially obey?

John: I do.

M: Gina, do you swear to serve as John’s One True Love and bed partner, with all this implies?

G: Oh yes I DO."

M: John, do you swear to perform your duties as Gina’s house-husband for as long as you can stand to?

J: I do. Oh god...

M: Gina, do you swear to love John in all carnal and spiritual ways for as long as you can bear to?

G: [sings] I ding dong diddly-do!

M: If anybody has any reasons for objecting to this marriage on any grounds, or has any good gossip, speak out loud and vigorously.

Alice: Yeah, I do! I met John and Gina both, and they really ARE cabbages!

[Other people step in to object with more sound reasons, but are loudly ignored by everybody else.]

Minister: Right. [looking around at crowd] No valid complaints. y'all are WEAK, man.

John, alternate between gazing deeply at Gina's … eyes and repeating after me, filling in the blank as necessary: I, blank, promise to serve you in my capacity as your love slave and constant companion,

J: I, John, promise to serve you in my capacity as your love slave and constant companion,

M:…come hell or high water

J:…come hell or high water

M:…or threats from neighbors about the noise.

J:…or threats from neighbors about the noise.

M: Great.

J: Great.

M: Gina, stop thinking about the chocolate wedding cake long enough to repeat after me, staring at John whenever possible and filling in the blank as necessary:

I, blank, promise to serve you as well as a modern American woman can,

G: I, Gina, promise to serve you as well as a modern American woman can,

M:…whether this be by intimate encounters, spiritual succor,

G:…whether this be by intimate encounters, spiritual succor,

M:… or channeling aliens from a distant galaxy.

G:… or, channeling aliens from a distant galaxy?

M: Okay, now that we've gotten this far, it is time for Gina and John to exchange rings. Please pass forward the rings.

[bit of confusion while 10+ rings are passed forward and are exchanged.]

[Minister is supposed to wait for the cue word "baseball" and interrupt J&G, but instead starts meditating on the shape of a Tocomak fusion generator, so J&G make up a few more things, and then John says --]

J: OK, Dave, you can interrupt us now.

M: All right! That will be quite enough! OK. they've got the rings, I've got the last bit… By the meager power vested in me by Eris Kalliste Discordia and any other gods who might be listening, along with The Universal Life Church of Modesto, California, and… [pauses for effect] my little pinkie [displays pinky], I hereby pompously pronounce Gina and John to be shackled.

John and Gina, you may now make fishy faces.

[J&G kissing in the tree; applause and whizzling and bubbles and such.]

M: That’s it! Everyone have fun at the party!

[End music -- If I Were John Carpenter by Big Audio Dynamite; party heads for the food and dance floor]