Haiku Movie Reviews By Ginohn
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Movies reviewed in 2005

:( Disliked it.
:| Okay.
:) Liked it.
%} Loved it!
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE :)
The soundtrack is great!
The lyrics were all written
by Walter Berkman.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA:
THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE  :)
What's up with Aslan?
Even the wardrobe has more
personality.
THE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY  %}
Remember this name:
Zack Gaf— Galin— Galifin—
Whatever. He's great!
PRIDE & PREJUDICE  :)
I wish somebody
would marry those giggling girls.
They're driving me nuts.
SARAH SILVERMAN: JESUS IS MAGIC  :)
Sarah Silverman
makes me uncomfortable.
That's why I like her.
WAL-MART: THE HIGH COST OF LOW PRICE :)
Give us your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses.
We will squeeze them dry.
FESTIVAL EXPRESS :)
The songs are too long,
but Janis is so happy
it doesn't matter.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK  :)
We can see it now:
a good night and good morrow
when people stand up.
SAHARA  :|
A film crew travels
to a vast desert to make
a so-so thriller.
CORPSE BRIDE  :|
The Daydream After
The Nightmare Before Christmas
(that's the subtitle)
MAD HOT BALLROOM  :)
They'll be embarrassed
when they grow up, but at least
they'll know how to dance.
PAULI SHORE IS DEAD  :|
Wiezals don't give up,
they slink away, then play dead,
then get stalked by fans.
SERENITY  :)
A nice cyber-punk-
rocket-goth film gets messed up
by dumb space zombies.
THE REAL DIRT ON FARMER JOHN %}
One man's history
of family farms, culture
and counterculture.
THE INDIAN RUNNER  :|
Intriguing message,
but too chopped up and bloody
once it's delivered.
TOM JONES  %}
Is it a movie,
novel, or play? Either way,
it's a masterpiece.
MCCABE & MRS. MILLER  :)
Men and prostitutes
build a mining town from scratch
— to film a shootout.
NATIONAL TREASURE  :)
Forget the treasure—
How do those old torches work?
There's a mystery.
PUNK: ATTITUDE  :)
Leaves a few bands out,
but still brings back memories
of my wasted youth.
THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN  :)
A "feel good" movie
that shows how naive we are,
with or without sex.
BROKEN FLOWERS  :)
A jaded Don Juan
travels through the scary world
of false positives.
THE ARISTOCRATS  :)
Here's a nice haiku,
filled to the brim with feces!
Guess what I call it?
TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE  :)
I hope when I say
"The puppet sex was awesome"
I don't offend you.
MARVIN'S ROOM  :|
This film has cancer,
and it wants you to give it
some bone marrow. Don't.
ROUNDERS  :)
Somebody should give
Matt Damon a lesson in
bankroll management.
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL  :)
A robot, with his
pet human, takes over Earth—
by just standing still.
MARCH OF THE PENGUINS  :|
An interesting
and exciting adventure
—if you're a penguin.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY  :)
Didn't anyone
learn the lesson of The Grinch?
No more flashbacks, please.
THE WEDDING CRASHERS  :)
Same old formula,
but flavorful, and served well,
with just the right warmth.
WAR OF THE WORLDS  :|
H. G. Wells' world
is invaded by lightning.
Spielberg strikes again.
HERBIE: FULLY LOADED  :|
A cute, wholesome film.
Check out the big headlights!
(The car is nice, too.)
AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON  :|
Parodies TV
so accurately that it
loses its humor.
BATMAN BEGINS  :)
Batman begins by
tearing Gotham apart. Good.
We needed a change.
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS  :)
You'll laugh—you might cry—
you'll call Sellers a bastard
and kiss him goodbye.
WORD WARS  :)
One deplores GERD sores.
Another, bored, prefers whores.
What's more, each nerd scores!
STAR WARS - EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH  :)
Let go of the past.
Search your feelings. Push aside
your expectations.
KUNG PHOOEY!  :(
Mostly stale slapstick
and used jokes from better films,
like Fistful of Yen.
THE INTERPRETER  :|
This film is tainted
by Hollywood's hackneyed card—
"Get out of jail free."
JIMINY GLICK IN LA LA WOOD  :)
I would rather watch
a film of Glick interviews.
Still, I laughed a lot.
DOWNFALL  %}
Monsters will get far
as long as no one rejects
their authority.
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY  :|
Dumbed down for earthlings
and fluffed up for their children,
but mostly harmless.
SIN CITY  :)
Lancelot syndrome—
a bad excuse for senseless
violence, but it's fun.
SHAUN OF THE DEAD  :)
A zombie tribute
that is better than the films
it reanimates.
THE WILD PARROTS OF TELEGRAPH HILL  %}
A celebration
of life as displaced species.
(Not just the parrots.)
DEATH OF A PRINCESS  :)
A lady, a love,
an execution, all veiled
in rumors and lies.
THE GREAT DANCE: A HUNTER'S STORY  :)
Documents the end
of two hundred thousand years
of stone age nomads.
RABBIT-PROOF FENCE  :)
Like The Great Escape—
it's well filmed but doesn't tell
what really happened.
NOTTING HILL  :|
Grant's good eye candy.
Roberts plays herself... AGAIN.
Notting much, really.
FULL METAL JACKET  %}
Two or three of the
best war films ever made,
all in one movie!
JEREMIAH JOHNSON  :)
Beautiful landscapes
marred by brutal comedies
of human struggle.
ALFIE (2004)  :|
A sexy guy dumps
sexy women and then gets dumped.
Happens all the time.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY  :)
Not bad for a film
featuring two sports I hate.
(That's boxing and church.)
AROUND THE BEND  :(
Michael Caine escapes
from a bad KFC ad
by killing himself.
AKA  :)
I wish I had seen
the triptych version instead
at the theater.
HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE  :)
Two friends travel through
Cartoon Land in a quest for
girls, pot, and burgers.
FIVE OBSTRUCTIONS  :)
Two directors make
and break rules to make and break
the perfect human.
MELVIN GOES TO DINNER  :)
Yuppie confessions.
(Well, not really confessions—
more like bragging.)
THE AVIATOR  :)
Howard Hughes throws his
fortune at his obsessions,
and vice versa, too.
PEACEABLE KINGDOM  %}
A positive note
to awful consequences
of factory farms.
KOYAANISQATSI  %}
A Hopi vision
of what we've done to our Earth
and our way of life.
BARAKA  :)
From monkeys to monks,
how enlightened are we now?
Not very, it seems.
ENVY  :)
Ben Stiller becomes
envious of Jack Black, who
gets to play himself.
WHAT THE #$*! DO WE KNOW?  :(
Quantum mechanics
plus pseudo-science equals
more pseudo-science.
HOTEL RWANDA :)
Like many war films,
it's well done, but please don't make
me see it again.
OCEAN'S TWELVE  :|
The laser scene from
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
was done much better.
KINSEY  :)
Loosely documents
Kinsey's life. And I do mean
"loosely" (nudge nudge, wink...)
BEING JULIA  :)
Is the character
of Julia real, or just
pretending to be?
HIDEOUS KINKY  :)
Alas, it wasn't
kinky, but then it wasn't
hideous, either.
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