Haiku Movie Reviews

Haiku Movie Reviews

By Ginohn

Face it - all movies can be critiqued in 17 syllables, no more, no less. This is a perfect job for the haiku, a respectable Japanese form of poetry which, when imported into English, sadly breaks from its roots in nature and becomes a naughty spoiled kid with a temper tantrum.

The following reviews were written by Ginohn. If you have any requests for reviews, please send the movie title to us. For the web-archeologists in the audience, there are ruins of another Haiku Movie Reviews site by someone else. It looks like it's not updated anymore but that's OK.

Note: The top row shows the key to our amazing color-code/emoticon system.
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:-( STOP
Frowny face means stop
giving the producers bucks.
Don't see the movie. :-| CAUTION:
proceed carefully --
maybe watch the video,
but not more than once. :-) GO
When the background's green
and the smiley face appears,
go see the movie!

:-) THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR
Gattacamatrix --
virtual reality
with twilight zone twists.

:-) THE COURT JESTER
The princess bride of
old Danny Kay musicals.
Get it? Got it? Good! :-| INDEPENDENCE DAY
Lucky for us we
have drunk fighter pilots and
alien Mac geeks. :-| A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM
Unfortunately
all the wood's a stage. at least
in this film it is.

:-) STAR WARS
THE PHANTOM MENACE
I sense the dark side
of action toy marketing
and computer games. :-|COOKIE'S FORTUNE
Wrenched stereotypes,
dropped subplots, and a quiz in
genealogy. :-) SIRENS
A deacon, his wife,
The Serpent, and naked Nell
from Ally McBeal!

:-| NEVER BEEN KISSED
A highschool remake
of Ever After, with the
same Cinderella! :-) THE MATRIX
FX saved the bad
kung fu fairy tale twist on
80's Cyber Punk :-) AIRPLANE!
"Surely you are not
critiquing this!" "I am -- and
don't call me Shirly."

:-) ED TV
Ya think Ron Howard
wants to make us feel sorry
-- for famous people? :-| WING COMMANDER
New law of physics:
As momentum disappears
so do the medics. :-) REPO MAN
Apparently, the
old car trunk contains the box
from Kiss Me Deadly.

:-| MY FAVORITE MARTIAN
When you eat someone
whole, you should burst, or at least
display some remorse. :-) PULP FICTION
The plot device was
transferred from Repo Man's trunk
to a small briefcase. :-) THE HIDDEN
Wow, what a great thrill!
(not counting the Spielberg part
that messed up the end.)

:-) BUCKAROO BANZAI
The Adventures of
Buckaroo Banzai: Across
the Eighth Dimension! :-) GROUNDHOG DAY
You will want to see
this movie several times.
Uh, sorry -- bad joke. :-| EVEREST
Scarce IMAX footage --
"The Making of Everest"
was a better film.

:-) SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE
Laugh as Will Shaksper
uses love to find labor
losing Juliet. :-( FREE WILLY
The whale's dorsal fin
drooped permanently because
his pool was too hot. :-) HEAD
Hey hey, these Monkees,
they don't monkey around, they
have something to say.

:-| PATCH ADAMS
Other animals
that kill their own species:
lions, chimps, dogs, ants. :-| ELIZABETH
If I have to see
yet another longing look
from Lord What's His Face... :-( STAR TREK
INSURRECTION
I'm glad I saw this
movie. There was a preview
for Austin Powers!

:-) 12 MONKEYS
Philadelphia,
Brazil. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll
kiss the world goodbye. :-| ANTZ
Of course, technically,
Z is female, and Bala
is her sister. Hmmm... :-| THE SLUMS OF
BEVERLY HILLS
The best vibrator
scenes that I've ever witnessed
in any movie.

:-| THE X FILES
FIGHT THE FUTURE
Alien virus?
Global conspiracy? No --
an advertisement. :-) DARK CITY (1998)
I saw wires holding
John Murdoch up when he jumped.
Hard to forgive this. :-) PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
Somebody should give
Jessica Harper many,
many dance lessons.

:-) BLADERUNNER
    (FIRST RELEASE)
NeoFrankenstein!
Who is the protagonist?
Who's a replicant? :-) BLADERUNNER
    (DIRECTOR'S CUT)
The protagonist
is Roy Batty, and Deckard
is a replicant. :-| EVER AFTER
stole the laundry scene
from 1973's
The Three Musketeers.

:-| WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
Who would want to spend
Afterlife in a psych ward?
Too boring, let's leave. :-| AS GOOD AS IT GETS
We hyped the big stars
but in the end it was just...
as good as it got. :-( LETHAL WEAPON 4
Mel Gibson gets to
drive a Tonka Toy again.
Who would've guessed it?

:-( ARMAGEDDON
Sound travels through space
and there is hardly any
microgravity. *-} FEAR AND LOATHING
      IN LAS VEGAS
An overdose of &^$&#!@
(more violence than the book)
americana. :-) THE TRUMAN SHOW
The world now sees
that Truman is a true man
and Carrey can act.

:-) STAR WARS
A NEW HOPE
Science-fantasy --
knights, battles, and a princess!
A real tour de Force! :-) STAR WARS
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
When Yoda was young,
before he lost all his hair,
He was called Fozzie. :-| STAR WARS
~~REVENGE~~ RETURN OF THE JEDI
The real title was
"Honey, I Shrunk the Wookies."
Jeez, what a bummer.

:-| DEEP IMPACT
The people who hid
underground should probably
stay there a few years. :-| THE LION KING
Remember Kimba
from TV? -- I used to watch
that after school. :-| GODZILLA
A big comic romp,
though I didn't need to see
Jurassic Park Three

:-o SCREAM
If someone killed mom
I'd bar the doors and windows
and get a big dog. :-) AKIRA
Teens, motorcycles,
psionics! And the actors
performed their own stunts! %| E.T.
performed miracles,
was killed by feds, rose again
... sound familiar?

:-|STARSHIP TROOPERS
How many insects
does it take to suck your brains?
90210 :-)TITANIC
La Coeur de la Mer --
a diamond, a ship, amore,
a three hour tour. :-) THE MADNESS
OF KING GEORGE
This magnificent
movie gives new meaning to
"the royal wee."

:-(BEAN
Instead of L.A.
Mr. Bean should have stayed home
and watched his old shows. :-)THE FULL MONTY
How come we never
got to see the full monty?!
I paid good money... :-)THAT THING YOU DO
Fantastic soundtrack!
Pre-natal nostalgia!
Wondermania!

:-)FORREST GUMP
Mama always said,
"Stupid is as Stupid does."
Stupid rakes it in. :-|JURASSIC PARK
During the making
of this film no dinosaurs
were injured or killed. :-(JURASSIC PARK II
During the making
of this film no dinosaurs
were injured or killed.

:-)THE FIFTH ELEMENT
Lovely aliens
but the plot reminds me of
Warriors of Virtue. :-(TWISTER
A cow calmly moos
and slowly floats by, upright,
amid Pepsi ads. :-)AUSTIN POWERS
It's Groovy Baby!
If only the 90's had
really been like that.

:-)TRAINSPOTTING
The first movie that
ever made me want to try
to swim in the loo. :-(HIGH SCHOOL HIGH
There was no scene where
Jon Lovitts had hair like in
the movie poster. :-(BATMAN AND ROBIN
Want to gloss over
awful choreography?
Use lots of close-ups!

[top] [poetry]
modified 5/20/99

:-( STOP Frowny face means stop giving the producers bucks. Don't see the movie.	:-\| CAUTION: proceed carefully -- maybe watch the video, but not more than once.	:-) GO When the background's green and the smiley face appears, go see the movie!

		:-) THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR Gattacamatrix -- virtual reality with twilight zone twists.
:-) THE COURT JESTER The princess bride of old Danny Kay musicals. Get it? Got it? Good!	:-\| INDEPENDENCE DAY Lucky for us we have drunk fighter pilots and alien Mac geeks.	:-\| A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM Unfortunately all the wood's a stage. at least in this film it is.
:-) STAR WARS THE PHANTOM MENACE I sense the dark side of action toy marketing and computer games.	:-\|COOKIE'S FORTUNE Wrenched stereotypes, dropped subplots, and a quiz in genealogy.	:-) SIRENS A deacon, his wife, The Serpent, and naked Nell from Ally McBeal!
:-\| NEVER BEEN KISSED A highschool remake of Ever After, with the same Cinderella!	:-) THE MATRIX FX saved the bad kung fu fairy tale twist on 80's Cyber Punk	:-) AIRPLANE! "Surely you are not critiquing this!" "I am -- and don't call me Shirly."
:-) ED TV Ya think Ron Howard wants to make us feel sorry -- for famous people?	:-\| WING COMMANDER New law of physics: As momentum disappears so do the medics.	:-) REPO MAN Apparently, the old car trunk contains the box from Kiss Me Deadly.
:-\| MY FAVORITE MARTIAN When you eat someone whole, you should burst, or at least display some remorse.	:-) PULP FICTION The plot device was transferred from Repo Man's trunk to a small briefcase.	:-) THE HIDDEN Wow, what a great thrill! (not counting the Spielberg part that messed up the end.)
:-) BUCKAROO BANZAI The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the Eighth Dimension!	:-) GROUNDHOG DAY You will want to see this movie several times. Uh, sorry -- bad joke.	:-\| EVEREST Scarce IMAX footage -- "The Making of Everest" was a better film.
:-) SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE Laugh as Will Shaksper uses love to find labor losing Juliet.	:-( FREE WILLY The whale's dorsal fin drooped permanently because his pool was too hot.	:-) HEAD Hey hey, these Monkees, they don't monkey around, they have something to say.
:-\| PATCH ADAMS Other animals that kill their own species: lions, chimps, dogs, ants.	:-\| ELIZABETH If I have to see yet another longing look from Lord What's His Face...	:-( STAR TREK INSURRECTION I'm glad I saw this movie. There was a preview for Austin Powers!
:-) 12 MONKEYS Philadelphia, Brazil. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss the world goodbye.	:-\| ANTZ Of course, technically, Z is female, and Bala is her sister. Hmmm...	:-\| THE SLUMS OF BEVERLY HILLS The best vibrator scenes that I've ever witnessed in any movie.
:-\| THE X FILES FIGHT THE FUTURE Alien virus? Global conspiracy? No -- an advertisement.	:-) DARK CITY (1998) I saw wires holding John Murdoch up when he jumped. Hard to forgive this.	:-) PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE Somebody should give Jessica Harper many, many dance lessons.
:-) BLADERUNNER (FIRST RELEASE) NeoFrankenstein! Who is the protagonist? Who's a replicant?	:-) BLADERUNNER (DIRECTOR'S CUT) The protagonist is Roy Batty, and Deckard is a replicant.	:-\| EVER AFTER stole the laundry scene from 1973's The Three Musketeers.
:-\| WHAT DREAMS MAY COME Who would want to spend Afterlife in a psych ward? Too boring, let's leave.	:-\| AS GOOD AS IT GETS We hyped the big stars but in the end it was just... as good as it got.	:-( LETHAL WEAPON 4 Mel Gibson gets to drive a Tonka Toy again. Who would've guessed it?
:-( ARMAGEDDON Sound travels through space and there is hardly any microgravity.	-} FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS* An overdose of &^$&#!@ (more violence than the book) americana.	:-) THE TRUMAN SHOW The world now sees that Truman is a true man and Carrey can act.
:-) STAR WARS A NEW HOPE Science-fantasy -- knights, battles, and a princess! A real tour de Force!	:-) STAR WARS THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK When Yoda was young, before he lost all his hair, He was called Fozzie.	:-\| STAR WARS ~~REVENGE~~ RETURN OF THE JEDI The real title was "Honey, I Shrunk the Wookies." Jeez, what a bummer.
:-\| DEEP IMPACT The people who hid underground should probably stay there a few years.	:-\| THE LION KING Remember Kimba from TV? -- I used to watch that after school.	:-\| GODZILLA A big comic romp, though I didn't need to see Jurassic Park Three
:-o SCREAM If someone killed mom I'd bar the doors and windows and get a big dog.	:-) AKIRA Teens, motorcycles, psionics! And the actors performed their own stunts!	%\| E.T. performed miracles, was killed by feds, rose again ... sound familiar?
:-\|STARSHIP TROOPERS How many insects does it take to suck your brains? 90210	:-)TITANIC La Coeur de la Mer -- a diamond, a ship, amore, a three hour tour.	:-) THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE This magnificent movie gives new meaning to "the royal wee."
:-(BEAN Instead of L.A. Mr. Bean should have stayed home and watched his old shows.	:-)THE FULL MONTY How come we never got to see the full monty?! I paid good money...	:-)THAT THING YOU DO Fantastic soundtrack! Pre-natal nostalgia! Wondermania!
:-)FORREST GUMP Mama always said, "Stupid is as Stupid does." Stupid rakes it in.	:-\|JURASSIC PARK During the making of this film no dinosaurs were injured or killed.	:-(JURASSIC PARK II During the making of this film no dinosaurs were injured or killed.
:-)THE FIFTH ELEMENT Lovely aliens but the plot reminds me of Warriors of Virtue.	:-(TWISTER A cow calmly moos and slowly floats by, upright, amid Pepsi ads.	:-)AUSTIN POWERS It's Groovy Baby! If only the 90's had really been like that.
:-)TRAINSPOTTING The first movie that ever made me want to try to swim in the loo.	:-(HIGH SCHOOL HIGH There was no scene where Jon Lovitts had hair like in the movie poster.	:-(BATMAN AND ROBIN Want to gloss over awful choreography? Use lots of close-ups!